Thursday, November 29, 2007

so, everyone knows

I had a mass of women descend at my desk the other day, women on the other side of our cubicles who have heard me and my co-workers chatting about being pregnant. I knew that these ladies knew, but they did not say anything. I had a hard time coming out and saying "guess what, Im pregnant", or sending out an email, so I just let it ride.
But, now it is official, everyone near me knows. And I did get a couple of "oh shits" when two ladies found out it was twins. Nice.

I cant wait to go and see these babies again. I am praying that they are both ok.

I have been sooo nauseas lately... thrown up at work a couple of times, and just feel generally yucky all day. I don't remember feeling this bad with either girl. Right now I am sitting at my desk, after a good day, and my stomach is rumbling.. blechy!

This part is not fun. And I called the RE's office.. I have to continue the shots up until Dec 20. CRAP. Oh, I could switch to the suppositories 4 times daily, but that does not seem like much fun either! The shots are wearing my butt out, truly! My butt is bruised and everytime he goes near me with a needle I start to cry.

D has really been putting up with alot. He holds me when I cry, helps me when I puke, tries to give me stuff to settle my stomach in the car (that is the worst time), and helps me out around the house.

We have both been putting in overtime at work, ahhh working from home sometimes. We are gonna sock away that money in the baby fund.

The girls are really helping me out, since they see how crappy I have been feeling. Kelsey rubbed my back as I was dry heaving over the toilet the other night, and Allison is soo sweet to me.

I cant wait to see our babies again.

Im so grateful!

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Been a while

So, it's been a while since I was here last. Thanksgiving came and went. We had a great time in Ohio with D's mom. We visited an Air Force Museum that was so cool and hanging with the family was fantastic!
To be honest, though, I did not feel like his family was excited for us, at all. We came home to his dad being a butt head, of sorts. D had to drive down and pick the old dog up and bring her home and he ended up having a long conversation with his dad. It seems to have gone very well. He was able to express all of his concerns about being lectured about money, responsibility, etc. He vented and his dad listened.
The great thing is that his dad sent him a fantastic email afterwards saying he was proud of hte man D has become and he really appreciated D venting.
I wish I felt like people are excited for us, instead of that "you guys dont know what you are doing" look.
I hate that.
I managed to raise two great girls by myself. I am sure that between the two of us, we can raise twins. But our parents are so concerned with how we will afford it (as we are!). It kinda breaks our hearts.

On another front... the girls seem to be willing, to an extent, to help out a little more around the house. Maybe me screaming at last night's shot convinced them. D has been spectacular.. helping out at home and also bringing home work to make extra money. He really takes care of me. I have been nauseas on and off for several days... on the way home from work I KNEW something was coming up and had to hang my head out the window. Nothing came, but I felt horrible! I've been eating like a horse and have gained quite a bit of weight.. I look FAT!!! not round, but FAT!

Oh well.. Im trying today!

Monday, November 19, 2007

Sometimes I wanna explode

Soooo, we had a busy weekend... Went to my friend, Nina's Saturday night to hang out and meet her brother and sister in from Germany. It was fun.. I got the first, "are you sure you are ready to start over since your kids are grown" talk from someone, but that is to be expected.

Then, Sunday, we went down to MIL and FIL for the Cowboys v Redskins game. I was apprehensive about going down for a few reasons.
1. We took both dogs, as we were dropping Ellie off for the week since we are going to Ohio. I am always so leery of taking parker places since she is still so hyper and it I know W is not so happy about havign them. That was a strain, but D wanted to take her.

2. I know the D's dad is happy for us, but, at the same time, we get the "what are you guys gonna do" talk sometimes and "how are you going to afford it?" question. D finally talked to his dad a few weeks ago and told him not to worry about that, we can figure it out! I know he is happy for us, but W is in her own world since her daughter and grandkid moved in last year. She's just different.

My struggle was the fact that everytime we see them, they have the baby (who is 1.5 now). EVERYTIME, which is great, but it begs the question... are they gonna love our babies the same, or just see them casually? They raise that baby.. he spent the night and whole day with them, and when his loser mom showed up from work, she stayed with him for an hour and left him for ANOTHER night... because she had to be at work at 8am.. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA... welcome to the world of having kids... she left her two daughters with their dad.. so she does not take care of them, and sees them 3-4 times a year. What kind of mother leaves her kid for two nights in a row?
I hate the fact that we left there upset... but we did. 90% of the free world is not like D's dad or brother and does not make well over 100K a year... most people have to restructure and struggle to make ends meet with kids.
I just feel like our kids will not be as loved as that baby, since they raise him, and that we will be left to fend for ourselves because we struggled so long to have these babies. I hate that, but I do.

Friday, November 16, 2007

These kids are scaring the crap outta me already!


Sooo, we had the first big scare Wednesday, Nov. 14. I have been feeling good, not great, but good, so my friend and I were going out at lunch to Target to return the bigger maternity clothes. I went to the bathroom beforehand, wiped, and there was bright red blood. I, of course, went into full panic mode, ran to my desk, called the RE, who could not take me because there was no doctor. So, D and I ended up heading right to the ER at the closest hospital (GBMC).. the ER sent me to Labor and Delivery, I was not cramping (well, I thought I was cramping but realied this was probably in my head), and the bright red blood trickled to brown... the head of obstetrics came in and did an exam.. said my cervix was closed and my uterus was "big"... so that looked good, then he started to (what I thought) almost lecture me about how bleeding in early pregnancy is common, and how I should expect that, yada yada yada.. kinda made me feel like I was silly for going, but come to find out, he was the most wonderful dr. I think I took things too personally, DH really liked him... they were gonna have me wait for an ultrasound (it was a long wait), but turns out that that doctor is a partner in my new OB practice, that is there in the hospital (for some reason I kept thinking I was going to a different hospital, I dont know), but he came and got me out of the waiting room and walked DH and I up to the practice and had them immediately do an ultrasound to make sure things were ok, he was fantastic. And I got to meet my new OB, she is GREAT! Long story short, the babies are great...they have grown alot in 6 days... we saw a much clearer picture of the heartbeats and we actually HEARD both heartbeats, which was AMAZING! One hb was about 129bpm... I was crying too much to remember the 2nd... They want me to take it really easy, "stay off my feet and no sex"... that was the order...They dont know why I was bleeding, but now it is just a bit of brown spotting when I wipe... the dr told me that my uterus is too small for the babies to fill it now, so there is plenty of room for things to move around and that might have caused it, but absolutely no worries.


Two days later I am still getting a bit of brown blood, but nothing much. I have been taking it easy. Nausea seems to be a constant for me.. whether I eat or dont eat, I feel queasy. I've thrown up three times, not too bad, but just feel yucky!


Should be a busy weekend, going to my friend, Nina's, house Sat night and then to Dave and Wendy's Sunday... I hope I can keep up. The house is starting to fall apart because I have not felt like doing much... Hopefully this yucky phase wont last long.


In other news, we were able to come up with the money for Kelsey's Ocean City trip in January. Woo hooo!!!!


Here are the babies at 6 weeks 5 days







Saturday, November 10, 2007

Oh the fun stuff!

So today, D and I started the fun of cleaning out closets, which means dragging the buckets of winter clothes up and packing the summer clothes away. It is amazing what this entails; sorting through clothes, choosing clothes for Goodwill, seeing what fits the girls, etc. So we ended up with two bags for Goodwill and finished up.
The fun this year was trying to decide which of my winter clothes I could wear for how long... since I'm officially carrying two big headed babies. I did get to Target on my lunch break yesterday and picked up some maternity pants and a couple of tops. I am taking some of it back, but did find some black pants, whew!! I also hung up the maternity clothes by friend Jenn is letting me use. So now I have a maternity section in my closet, how exciting!!!!\

In other news, we have determined K and A need clothes pretty badly so it is off to Goodwill for us in a couple of weeks. I refuse to pay full price for clothes they will just outgrow!

I cant believe Thanksgiving is less than two weeks away!

Friday, November 9, 2007

And then there were two!


You can't see it in this pic, but there are two tiny hearts beating for two beautiful babies!
What turned out to be our last RE appointment this morning clearly showed 2 6 week old babies with tiny beating hearts. Words cannot express how grateful and excited D and I are.
We both teared up and could not thank the dr and nurses anymore.
Then, we left the drs office and i called and talked to Boo-Boo and told her, and her words were "awesome!' Wow, that felt good!
Our first official OB appointment is November 19th, two days before our Ohio trip. I can not wait... perhaps we can see a bit more then.
D has told everyone that he works with, but Im not quite ready. Only those that work beside me know and my bosses. I know that others KNOW... because they have heard the rumors from downstairs, but Im not sure how to come out and say it.
Im so excited!

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

3 blogs in one day?

I have been meaning to express my feelings here all day and have been so stinking busy at work...

Sometimes my girls drive me absolutely crazy, like today. When I get 3 phone calls of them crying and screaming at each other, it is nervewracking and I always conference D in so he can help me out. I am so grateful for his patience and understanding!

I am so grateful for my girls, even though they drive me bonkers. In the grand scheme of things, they are remarkable girls. I love them so much! I truly hope they know how much I love them.

I am grateful for D. I never imagined that I would find such a remarkable man. He is truly my soulmate and such a good dad to the girls.

I am also grateful for the bean or beans growing inside me. I am already so attached to them. I hope everything goes good.

Flowers from Mom


I was surprised withthe most beautiful flowers from my Mother-in-law, heretofore known as MOM, Monday at work to celebrate the big news of being pregnant.


The sad part is that I have had to tell white lies to all of my co-workers who don't yet know that we are pregnant (All of D's co-workers know, but only a few of mine know). Everytime someone passes they rave over the flowers and ask how the flowers are from, I have to lie and tell them they are from D. Then, of course, they ask, "why did he send them, a special occasion?" To which I reply, "no, he just sent them because".


I can't exactly tell everyone that I'm not quite 6 weeks pregnant, because noone would understand why I knew 13 days post egg retrieval that I was pregnant, and noone can understand how fanatic I am about this baby (or babies) already. Not unless they have been there, and I only know a few that have been there.


So for now, I will continue to fib about the gorgeous flowers.


Oh, I found out that someone who used to be my best friend, and most know who I am talking about, was back at work Monday after having a baby boy in August. I am trying desperately to be strong and not email her and open myself up to more abuse. I feel as though I want to see how things are going with her, and forgive her for all the hateful and deceitful things she did. The worst part is that she has her side of the story and thinks I am hateful. I have tried multiple times to be a good friend, from birthday cards for her and her children, to a welcome baby card even while miscarrying to random emails. All without a response.

There is a part of me that wants to tell her congratulations, but the biggest part of me does not want to set myself up again. D would strangle me if I did that. So for now, although I want to be a good person and say hello, I will restrain.


I do miss the friendship we had before the wedding dramas, but know that it will never be the same.

One of those days

Soooo, I could barely fit into my black dress pants this morning.... every preexisting stretch mark showed on my spare tire belly.. GROSS...

Seriously, these fertility meds (and my lack of self-control) have wreaked havoc on my waist... and my workout regime. I have never been a small or even medium girl, I have always been "a big girl", but I am not even 6 weeks (5W 6 days today) and my pants dont fit.

I had a FIT trying to find something that I could wear. I came into work in a bitchy mood because of it. I know it is part of it, but I am terrified I will explode and be the fattest girl again and that D wont be impressed. I am an emotional wreck.

When I get out of bed in the middle of the night, my boobs KILL me... when they move it is so painful!

OK OK, I am NOT complaining, just venting. Today I feel like a a dirty root girl (my roots are BAD!!! and I am trying to hold off coloring until this weekend, want to wait to make sure the beans are good) and I feel extremely fat today!

I was asleep by 8:30 again last night after a healthy and delicious dinner. D did the dishes and just took care of me, I am so grateful for him, even when I think he has hurt my feelings.


I am looking at black maternity pants online now...

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Woo-hoo, it worked!

Well, I successfully loaded my first blog.... Im so happy!

Today is Tuesday... yesterday was the day from heck in regards to my physical body... We were out all day Sunday going to Kelsey's last band competition (and getting a yummy Nino's cheesesteak in teh meantime) so yesterday I was utterly exhausted.

D let me sleep in while he took the dogs for a walk, and I was queasy some of the morning. Funny thing about early pregnancy... I hate the thought of severe morning sickness, but I also hate the fact that I dont have it... just because it makes me worry!

Ended up going home (whining to D the whole time) and collapsing on the couch... falling asleep by 8:30 or so. I was beat.

But this morning, I am feeling pretty good. I got up and walked the pups, and feel pretty good. I MUST go to the gym at lunch. Just because I am pregnant does not mean I can let myself go, and I feel that phenomenon coming on... gotta nip it in the bud!

We have decided to go to Ohio for our annual Thanksgiving trip and take the dogs or just Parker. MIL will find a spot for her cat so we dont have to pay for boarding! Im so grateful. I know how much D loves to go up there.

I can't wait until Friday. On that note.. when I stopped by D's desk yesterday on the way home, one of his co-workers said congrats and started talking about me being pregnant. Now I know that I have a big mouth and I should have not told anyone, but D's whole crew knows. All I can think is, what if something happens? What is something horrible happens and I have to face all the people who know? I'm scared.

Today is 5w 4 d.

Friday, November 2, 2007

Awww, the good old days!

After scouring the internet and stalking so many other posts, I decided to chronicle our TTC journey and upcoming adventures in order to hopefully flash back and remember our infertility "roots."

The future of new family start with the past.

Picture this: (I LOVE Golden Girls) I was married once (a long long time ago) and had two beautiful daughters. Kelsey is now 14, Allison is now 10. After a very tumultous ending to the relationship, I packed up my daughters and a Ryder truck and made the 4 day treck from Dallas, TX to northern Maryland. That was 7 years ago. Wow, how different the Northeast is from the South. I have slowly adjusted to this area and now consider it, to a degree, my home.

Now, the good stuff.... March 7 of 05, after perusing Match.com for months (man, it's scary to date while raising daughters), I met the man of my dreams. D asked me to marry him after 2 months (wow, what a story) and we were married June 3, 2006.

February 24, 2006, D and I were in Chapel Hill, North Carolina to have a tubal reversal with Dr. Gary Berger. I had my tubes "tied" after the birth of Allison back in 1997. When I met D, we both decided that we wanted to have children together. D had no children of his own.

I left North Carolina with two intact tubes, 7 and 4.5 cm.

Moving forward to June 2006, no pregnancy yet, here comes the first HSG. This one showed only one tube opened. We tried and tried, timed and "played". NOTHING.

December of 2006, I went to a new OB who prescribed Clomid, the drug from hell. This OB did not monitor or see me again, and I ended up bordering on hyperstimulation.

March of 07, I saw the creepiest RE. Need I say more. After two sperm analysis, the third showed very poor count, motility and morphology... This RE was not optimistic and treated us like we were buying a new car.. not a baby!

We had a second HSG is April, showing both tubes open! NO BFP...

Enter the Johns Hopkins Fertility Center and Dr Garcia, whom I started seeing in early May. Dr Garcia was sure that we would be pregnant within 4 months. He saw nothing wrong with my tubes, and wanted to try 4 IUIs, then "discuss more options." He was confident... and his confidence and demeanor conveyed to us.

July of 07 brought our first IUI with clomid. We had great follicles, and DH's sperm was great.... I took 7 tests throughout the two weeks, got all BFN... went on vacation, no period, came home, lo and behold, we got a positive... no sticky bean though. This pregnancy did not produce good numbers... and eventually I was diagnosed with an ectopic. I miscarried August 27 and had a D&C August 28... it was horrible!

After we were convinced that the company that we both work for that we were being bought out by a major conglomerate, we scrambled to schedule one cycle of IVF in October. Turns out our insurance covererd all but 10% of one try...

LMP started 9/29/07, we started stims 9/30/07. We took lots of shots, well, I took lots of shots... had egg retrieval 10/12/07. We got 33 eggs!!!

Only 8 fertilized... Egg transfer was 10/15/07, we transfered in 2 8-cell embryos, and froze 6.

Got my first BFP 10/24/07 on 12 HPTs... (I know, a bit overboard!).

First bloodwork, 10/25/07, 13 DPER..... 185

Second, 10/29/07, 17 DPER..... 1101

Third, 10/31/07, 19 DPER..... 2862

We had our first ultrasound this morning....
Take a peek How many do you see?






The Dr (not my dr, but another in the practice), said we see two sacs, possible a third that is a split of one of the smaller... but he is not sure. Then he changed his mind to say he thinks it is just a blind spot on the ultrasound... I dont know!!

So, a two weeks ago we were wondering if I was, indeed preggo... a week ago we were wondering if there were one or two.. now are are anxiously waiting to find out if there are two or three big headed babies in there!



Symptom watch:



Extremely sore bbs... and they are HUGE!!!!!

Very tired by the end of the day

Sorta clogged up (TMI!)

and Im bitchy!!